Actually overheard...

I overheard this the other day at a table as I walked by..."Yeah, it was the size of a volleyball, so they had to take me to the hospital...!"

Have a nice night...

This is a little nugget from way back in my Florida days...
One night after a busy dinner shift a co-worker and I were standing near the front entrance to the restaurant enjoying the warm evening breeze.  As we chatted, a couple walked by on their way out and the man cheerfully said "Have good night guys!"  When they were about five steps away my buddy muttered "Don't tell me what kind of f-ing night to have!"  He said it as a joke meant for my ears only, but the couple heard him!  The man stormed back in and asked for the manager.  Needless to say my buddy was fired.  To this day every time a customer, or anyone for that matter, tells me to have a good night, guess what I say to myself with a little smile?

Care for some cream with your coffee...?

It never fails to astound me the downright random and odd things that customers actually say!  Case in point:
I had a table of four guys the other night; just a night out with the boys, away from their wives.  They had shared a couple of bottles of wine so they were feeling good, laughing and just being dudes.  At the end of the meal I offer the customary coffee and dessert. One of the guys asks for coffee so I offer him cream and sugar.  To which he replies "I'd love some breast milk with that. Got any back there?"  I was a little taken aback but smiled and said "Sorry, we're fresh out" and walked away to get their coffees.  When I returned, the guy, seeing how he was clearly getting somes laughs from his buddies, continues "So no breast milk huh?  C'mon theres got to be some hot young thing in here somewhere we could tap!"  I smiled weakly and said "Umm..I'm leave that up to you sir."  Fueled by his friends laughter he points at an attractive lady sitting two tables away with her date and says "What about her, she's got a nice set, we could probably get something out of those!"  The woman glanced over uncomfortably but appeared not to have known what this moron was actually talking about.  At this point I was out of replies and just left the boys to their odd joke.

An actual exchange...

This is an actual exchange (condensed) that I had just the other day with a female customer of mine:

Her: Does this chicken pasta dish have very many vegetables in it?
Me:  Not really, I mean it does have some peppers, tomatoes and onions but the dominant ingredients are pasta and chicken.  Why, do you not want vegetables?  I can have that done for you.
Her:  Oh no, it's ok.  I don't like vegetables but as long as there is not too many, I'll be ok.
Me:  Are you sure, because it's really no problem?
Her:  No it's fine, thanks.  Oh, and I'll take a Ceasar salad.
Me:  Umm..isn't that a vegetable?
Her:  No, not really, it's a salad.
Me:  Ok...

Later as she and her guest appeared to be finished I went over to clear their plates and found "Mrs salad-isn't-a-vegetable" had left almost all of the chicken and cream sauce in the bottom of the dish.  So it continued..

Me:  May I clear that for you?
Her:  Sure, I'm done.  It's mostly vegetables anyways.
Me:  Actually it's very little veggies, it looks like pretty much all chicken to me. (To which her guest thankfully agreed).
Her:  Oh yea, well I don't really like chicken.
Me:  Ok, I wish you had told me that when I took your order and you were asking me about the CHICKEN pasta.  I could have had it changed for you.
Her:  Well..I like it sometimes.

After this I was pretty much out of replies having realized I was speaking with a very "different" person.  She was quite nice and normal in all other respects, just a little odd.

I guess you missed that in the guide book!

I find it interesting how so many people from Europe travel on vacation to this beautiful part of the world and have NO IDEA what the tipping policy is!  I mean really, they plan their trips, buy their tickets, book their hotels, decide which sites to see and never once happen to come across the tipping custom of the country they're visiting?  It's plainly listed in every popular guide book I've ever seen!  I know that gratuity is included in some European countries and is around 10 percent in others, but you are not at home anymore, learn the procedure!!  Where I work we have a little placard we can put in our check presenters if we so choose that explains, in a politically correct way and in several languages, how the US tipping system works.  And tourists quite often still leave very little or no tip!!??  Its almost as though that's one part of American culture they're NOT interested in!  Oh sure, we'll take the Abercrombie and Fitch clothing, the Ray-Bans, and the cheeseburgers, but we'll just keep our crappy tipping policy from the motherland.  How convenient, it saves them money!  Attention Euros:  read ALL of your guide books and not just the section on Disneyland!

Racists beware!

The details of this story have been eliminated/changed to protect the not-so innocent.  A few years back while working as a server in a popular restaurant I served a man and his wife who seemed nice enough at first.  They came in during a busy Saturday lunch and after a few minutes they began to find fault with pretty much everything about my service and the food.  As per usual I sent the manger over to diffuse the situation and for whatever reason the guest did not like the fact that the manager's nationality was not American.  He proceeded to let him know this with a couple of racist and unkind comments, to which the manager wisely did not respond.  But he did get his revenge!  After a few minutes the guest had settled down a bit so the manager returned to the table and offered to refill water, the guest said yes and asked for more ice.  The manger then took his glass, brought it into the restroom, scooped out some toilet water, filled it with ice and garnished it with a lemon.  He returned it to the table and said with a smile "there you are sir".  He then came and told me what he had done and we both watched with guilty satisfaction as our esteemed guest enjoyed his "beverage".  Once again the message here is: don't screw with the person serving your food!

What NOT to expect from your server..

I often notice how customers come into the restaurant where I work and expect me to be as excited or delighted with their night out, birthday, bachelorette or just sheer presence as they are!  Customers please remember:  I'm AT WORK, serving you is MY JOB, you're the one out having fun!  And even though I'm helping to facilitate that process I'm not anywhere near as excited to see you as you think I am or should be.   I like my job and appreciate your business; you do pay my bills after all, but stop expecting me to get into your old granny's birthday as much as you are!  She's your family, not mine!  And while I'm at it, all you "friends" who come into visit your buddy at work, the same applies, WE ARE WORKING!  Save the social hour for when they're off.  How would you like it if I just walked into your office and started chatting you up and expecting you to entertain me!?